Loving the fall..

So we are having a cold front here in North Louisiana, and I am LOVING IT! It's been amazingly crisp and chilly in the mornings, which always makes it easier for me to wake up and get the day going. These days, anything that can help me get going is a good thing.

Dad's health is still a roler coaster ride- I made it a point to be at the hospital the other night when his primary care doctor came in to see him so I could get a good update on how things were going.  I felt like something was wrong when Dr. D came in with dad's nurse, AND the hospital charge nurse. Now, Dr. D has known me for years, both as a nurse, a patient, and the family member of several of his patients. He doesn't sugar coat things with me, he's honest and upfront, and tells me like it is. But, in the most gentle and caring way. He's amazing. So when he motioned for me to come out into the hallway with him, I was a little nervous. So he lays it on me. Dad is not doing as well as it apprears. His liver is excreating toxins that are damaging his kidneys, and at this point the only thing that will "fix" it is a liver transplant. But, right now his body won't survive a transplant, so we walk the tightrope between dialysis and paracentisis (draining the fluid off of his abdomen that builds up becasue of his liver disease.) And we pray that he doesn't get any infections, which at this point could kill him very quickly. so we walk the tightrope between being anxious about the possabilities, and optamistic and upbeat about recovery. It's exausting, really.

And in four days, my novel writing experience begins. I am excited and nervous and ready to start, but worried that I won't have anything to write about. Tomorrow I will start writing "morning pages", two or three pages of "stream of consciousness writing" done every morning as soon as I wake up. I'm a little interested to see what flows out of this brain of mine. Could be scarey. Probably WILL be scary. We shall see.

Morning Glory

Good Morning Glory!! It's crisp and chilly outside, and I'm the only human stirring in the house this morning, with a fried egg sandwich breakfast and a wonderful cup of coffee with my beloved Italian Cream creamer it's a good day already!
So, where the hell have I been? Well things here in Louisiana have been CRAZY!!!! My Dad's recovery has taken a whole new direction. He fell in January, broke his tibia, had to have surgery to repair the bone, and spent the first 6 months of recovery unable to put any weight on his left leg. He progressed to using a walker, and then a whole new set of problems popped up. Two trips to the ER for what was diagnosed as cellulitis (soft tissue infection)- well, it was more complicated than that under the surface. Fast forward two months, and he's int he hospital with a bone infection, and after much testing and two surgeries, it was decided that the best chance for a full recovery and a return to "normalcy" was to amputate his left leg below the knee. In the process of all this leg stuff, his kidneys have failed, and he's now on dialysis. SO, it's a whole new world for us on that front. Whoo- lots going on, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!
I'm also living with my parents AGAIN! This is the fourth time I have returned to the nest.. I'm officially a boomerang child. Well, this time is not so much a boomerang situation, more of a "sandwich generation" thing. Meaning I am helping care for my father, and still caring for my son. (Who will be 19 tomorrow!!!! Can you believe that shit!?! 'cause I sure as hell can't, LOL) It's been stressful for all of us, but good at the same time, especially with the new health developments with my Daddy, we have really been here to support each other, which is amazing. I don't know what I would do without my family.
I have started kicking things into high gear with my crochet too! I am learning more everyday, new stitches and techniques, and loving every minute of it. I am making two blankets for one of the nurses that works at the hospital where my Dad was admitted for his surgery. She has a 1 year old and a 3 year old, so I am making blankets for the two of them. I have so many ideas for future projects, I wish my crochet time didn't have to interrupted by things like work and eating!
Next month is November, and I am so super excited about participating in the annual NaNoWriMo project. A whole month dedicated to attempting to write a novel. SO good, bad, or mediocre,  I will be writing my first novel next month. And I will bring you all with me, to experience every step of the process!
SO, that's a not-so-short synopsis of where the hell I have been. And a little peek at where I am going. JOIN ME!

Surviving the weekend...

I did it.. I survived the weekend with Mom and Dad in Dallas. And actually had a good time to boot.

So we left Thursday morning- I had said we would be leaving at 6 am, knowing full well that we would not be heading out of Shreveport til about 7:30 (more like 8am) I decided to take the "back way" to I20, cause of course it's faster and more direct than going all the way into town on I220 to hit I20 and head west to Dallas. EXCEPT- I took the WRONG back road- despite my "inner compass" Mama telling me "I don't think this is the right way, I think you went the wrong way" and me saying, "Mama, this is the back way, it's faster, it takes you straight to I20 at the truck stop".. I ate crow about 10 minutes later when I realized, "Oops, no, this takes us to Waskom.. still on I20, but not quite where I thought it would come out" Damn I hate that my Mama is ALWAYS right!

Made good time, and even with the stop in Canton and the beloved Dairy Palace, we made Dallas an hour and a half before my Dad's appointment at Baylor Medical Center. So what are we going to do for an hour and a half? Weeelllll, as luck would have it they were having a WONDERFUL sale on the second floor of the medical office building- tables and tables full of jewelry, scarfs, hats, watches, and everything was $5!! I was in heaven... 2 rings, 2 bracelets, 2 pairs of earrings for my Mama and a pretty ruby ring for my Goddaughter later, and it was only 30 more minutes til the appointment! w

All that went well.. Dad's doing great, and we go back in 3 months for another appointment. We checked in at the hotel, and while Dad hit the sack, Mama and I headed to The Old Monk, a fantastic little pub on North Henderson Avenue in Dallas.

Great beer selection, and delicious pub food. I had planned to try something different this time, but I found myself ordering a Crispen Cider and the Plowman's Lunch- a fantastic platter with French Onion soup, toasted french bread, and your choice of two cheeses from their wonderful cheese selection. This time I got the St. Andre' and the Brie.. I had never tried Brie, and I was feeling adventurous! The St. Andre' was heavenly! It's a triple cream French cheese, smooth and almost sweet. The Brie was a bit tangy for my taste, but good, none the less. Mama also got the Plowman's- with Guiness Stout stew and two different types of cheese. We split an order of their Killer Mushrooms- a mix of portabella and button mushrooms fried in beer batter with a delicious spicy basil sour cream. YUM!

Mom and I stopped by Denny's on the way back to the room and got Daddy a cheese burger and a salad- his request.. can't believe he missed out on The Monk!!

So that was Day #1- more to come on Day #2! Ohh, the anticipation!!!

Trying a suggestion...

Ok, so I got a great comment from a wonderful fellow blogger who I adore, Dean Grey at Exploding Doughnut. So, I am going to try Dean's advice and shoot for a new post every two weeks. This one should be LONG... as so very much has changed in my life since my last post.

Firstly, my son and I went to Perdido Key Florida for 10 glorious days with my cousin and his family. It was wonderful, I loved every minute of it. The beach was beautiful, even the morning it rained til noon was in it's own way perfect and lovely. I love a good, loud rolling thunder storm, and there were several while we were there, mostly at night or in the early mornings while most everyone was still asleep.
Am I the only person who treasures quiet, early mornings where I am the only one awake? That peaceful time between me and a cup of coffee? When I can tip-toe around, loading the dishwasher, or start a load of laundry, and then just sit and stare out over the balcony to the quiet beach below? Even at home these solo-mornings are a thing of beauty.
While in Florida, my landlord contacted me to let me know that she had gone out to the property to just "check on things" since we had notified her we would be out of town. (We had a friend and his girl-friend watching the place, and feeding our kitties while we were gone, but I didn't mention that to her when I told her we were going on vacation- I guess she felt we needed her to keep an eye on things) Anyhoo- So she went by the property, and noticed that we have a few cats. Yes, we have a few cats. I explained to her that when her father- who manages the property for her- rented the place to us, we told him we had a few cats. At that time, he told us that if the cats were litter trained and wouldn't cause damage, then he had no problem with us having cats. Well, he aparently did not talk to his daughter about it, because she was quick to tell me that animals on the property was a "deal-breaker". We had two choices, get rid of the cats, or move out. Well, our cats are part of our family. My son adores them, and has had them since they were born. We were NOT going to get rid of the cats. Soooo... we moved.
Now, when we moved onto this property, I made it clear to everyone who knows me that I had NO intention of moving again. So, moving again only 3 months after moving in was a real blow to my pride. Even harder was that out of necessity (no where to go on such short notice) my son and I have had to move in with my parents. So two weeks ago we ordered a POD storage unit, packed up our lives, keeping out only the things we would need over the next few months, and moved in with Mama and Daddy. It has been stressful for us all, but with every day that goes by, we find a new "bright side" to our situation.

Bright Side #1- My son, who is 18, has been having a little trouble deciding what he wanted to do with his life. College was not a good fit for him.. at least not right now. After completing school through a military program, sitting in a classroom listening to lectures was just not his style. He had planned on joining the military, but was doubting his willingness to serve under the current administration. He tought about welding, but never really felt strongly enough about it to take the leap. NOW- since we are living with my parents, and he was able to spend some late nights out on the balcony with my cousin, talking 'bout life, he has decided to go ahead with his original dreams, and join the military. I think he is making the right choice. It's where he is supposed to be. He excelled at ROTC, and when he went to the National Guard Youth Challenge Program to complete high school, he just blossomed. This is who he is, and I am excited for him.

Bright Side #2- My parents are not getting any younger. My Mama does not drive. She never has. Makes her nervous, and she just doesn't do it. My Daddy's health is up and down, and my Mama needs help with him, and with getting around, ect. I knew there would come a day when I needed to be there all the time. Well, no time like the present! We had talked out adding on two bedrooms and a bathroom on to the back of the house, but the more we have thought about it, the more we have considered having a small cabin style building built behind my parent's house. That way, I have my own space, a nice sitting room and a bedroom seperate from my mom and dad, but close enough that I am right there for them.  I am so excited about that!

There are others, maybe I will share those later.

My love of cooking has also been re-awakened. I must admit, I am a TOTAL Pinterestaholic, and this past weekend I cooked three recipes off of my Yummy! Pinterest board. I just have to be careful not to gain back what I have fought so hard to lose. I will say though, packing a house and loading it into a storage POD in 100 degree heat with definately sweat the pounds off, LOL.

What other changes are coming? I'm not sure, but I'm going to try and accept them with a smile and open arms...

I think...

World's Worst Blogger...

So I've come to the conclusion that I am the world's worst blogger!! I mean really, too long between posts. I have got to get it together!!

On a good note, things are going well with the weight loss.. I am down 34 pounds, and loving that my clothes are fitting better. Now I'm ready for the clothes to start fitting poorly again, due to an even healthier body and sexy attitude!! I am back to taking the adipex daily, and my doctor added Topamax yesterday, for the double wammy of controling my migraine headaches and the desired side effect of making carbonated drinks taste like crap, which will help me break that addiction.

I'm headed to Florida at the end of the month with my cousins. My son and I will be helping out with the little ones, and enjoying the summer sun for a full 10 days!! I can hardly wait! I will be sure to take lots of pictures and post them here for your enjoyment. (and mine!)

I've also found that making an effort to wear makeup and fix my hair has made a HUGE difference in the way I feel.  The reaction from co-workers as been funny, "oh, look, you have make-up on today!" They are so used to seeing plain-face Christine, that a little eye-liner and mascara are all it takes. Oh well, guess it's the little things!

How did I get here?

So, how did I get here? Who is that woman I see staring at me from the mirror? Before I start to answer these questions, as much for myself as for you-let me state now that I am in NO WAY making excuses for my weight gain, and for my subsequent poor condition. I know that the things I have done (or not done, as the case may be) and the choices I have made have lead me to where I am today. But this acceptance of my circumstance does not recuse me from looking for the reason I am where I am today. Unless I can be 100% honest with myself about the paths that have lead me to my current state, then I am doomed to fail at my goal.

I have read articles and heard both men and women who are anorexic talk about how they have an altered sense of body image.. how they look into the mirror, and see themselves as overweight, even though they are skin and bones. I can identify with this in a way.. You see, when I close my eyes and picture myself in my mind, I see my 150# high school self. I see who I was then, not the 306# woman I am today. So standing in front of a mirror, or a window, or seeing a photograph of myself can be somewhat shocking to my "inner self". I have walked past a mirror or window and actually done a double-take, staring at my plump face and double chin in a moment of disbelief. I try to avoid trying on new clothes at all costs, because I know the Christine in the mirror is not going to look like the Christine in my head. I'm not going to like how I look in anything I try on. It takes me forever to get dressed to go anywhere for the same reason. I can't count the number of time I have cancelled plans at the last minute simply because I can't find anything to wear, anything that makes me feel pretty, anything that doesn't make me feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "My God, how does someone let themselves get THAT FAT?" And I am ashamed of being ashamed of how I look...

But, it's not just what I put in my mouth, or how little exercise I get that got me here today.  I come from a line of over-weight women. Our branch of the family tree is definately a little thicker than the other branches. I have a family history of obesity, Diabetes, heart disease, celiac disease, and liver disease. I have several medical conditions myself; sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, chronic knee and ankle pain.. and every single one of these would be alleviated or cured by weight loss. Well, then why, you might ask, have I not done something about my weight before now? I have tried.. I have dieted, and exercised, and taken pills, and excluded things from my normal diet, and read this book, or that article, and I'm a NURSE for God's sake! I KNOW better. Well, knowing, and doing, are two different things entirely. There are psychological factors as well.. some of which I will explore on this blog.. and some of which I will explore alone. (Sorry, there are just some things you don't air-out for all the neighbors to see!)
But all in all, the fact is, I am fat, and I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling worn out and defeated. And so I am searching for ME, and for the way to get to ME- for the best and most healthy way to release ME from this fat suit I am trapped in.

And so the search begins...

I remember in high school, feeling like I was so fat.. so many of the girls in my classes were waifs, thin and shapeless, no hips, no boobs, no curves. I had all three, and looking back at high school pictures, I hid them under bulky sweaters, sweatshirts, and over sized shirts. Now, I would KILL to have her body.. that curvy, 150 pound young lady. I also remember the day, just over 18 years ago, when I stepped up on a scale at a local department store, and the scale had tipped the 200# mark. I was devastated! I was pregnant with my son at the time, but still, I was 50 pounds heavier than I had been just a year before. In the last 18 years, I have gained, little by little, until now I top out at 306 pounds. Talk about devastated.
And so my search has started.. I invite you to join me as I search for her again.. that 150# beauty. I search for the pride and happiness and health. I search for the Rubenesque figure I used to have. I search for the real me.