I thought maybe I would delete the blog... I mean, it's been over a year since my last post, I am OBVIOUSLY NOT a blogger.. but reading over the last post, and looking at previous post on other failed attempts at a blog, I just couldn't. It would be like deleting a part of myself, a part of my inner monologue. I just couldn't do it.
SO, here we are, still searching. So very much has changed since my last post in October of 2012. Firstly, my Daddy, whom I spoke about previously, died about two months after my last post. As it turns out, that tightrope I felt that we were walking was not a tightrope at all... it was a slowly descending staircase. What Dad's doctor had been trying to tell me that night, so many months ago, was that my Daddy was dying. His liver was failing, his kidneys were beyond repair, and we had a few more months to try and enjoy life together. He came home at the end of October on Hospice, and passed away at home on December 2nd. I think I have been blaming myself. As a nurse I felt like I should have listened to him when he told me the pain in his foot had become more severe. I should have listened when he told me he could no longer point his toes. Had we caught the bone infection earlier, maybe things would have been different. But, we made a pact, my Mama and Daddy and I, to live without regret. The "what-ifs" only poison us slowly. Past is past, and nothing changes that. But I still carried that blame inside me for the last year. And now, I'm ready to let it go.
Secondly, my job situation has done a 180, then another 180, and now I feel like it's in a perpetual holding pattern of uncertainty. An opportunity came up, for me to take a position as float nurse for the urgent care clinic where I work. I would be based in a different clinic from where I had been working, helping out at our busiest location as a "fourth nurse", and float to the other clinics to cover vacations and sick days for our other staff. I was excited about the prospect, the chance for everyday to be fresh again. For a few weeks, things looked great. Then misunderstandings and misperceptions, and bias and backstabbing set in, and I found myself dreading to go to work everyday. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, always wondering when the next shoe was going to drop. yesterday, it did.
I have extensive damage to my left knee, a common injury among patients with a gymnastics history according to my orthopedic doctor. To prevent surgery, my doctor prescribed a custom fit knee brace to provide artificial support and reduce pain in my knee. My company's policy is that nurses cannot work in direct patient care while wearing a brace or support. after a trip back to my orthopedic, a note to my employer about the nature of my injury, and many tears of frustration later, I am home for the next several weeks, possibly months, pending surgery that my orthopedic doctor is advising against, so that I can return to work. I almost feel as if someone has pushed the reset button on my life. And I don't know what's ahead of me. And right now, that is more scary than exciting. So I invite you to come along with me on this new journey. Let's see where this takes me.
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