Death Magnet!

Well hello there stranger! Things have been moving right along here, and I can't wait to share it all with you.

So, back tracking to my last post-

I had the MRI of my knee.. and Lord, let me tell you, I NEVER want to have to endure that again. I have schedule hundreds of patients  for MRIs. I know, in theory, what goes on during an MRI, but in practice.. well, that's a horse of a different color. 
I'm not claustrophobic, not in most situations. I was fine as the tech got me into position on the "table". (I use the term table loosely here.. it was more like a slab- and being a woman if size, I was about as wide as the slab) I was still OK as he patiently explained everything as he buckled my knee into a plastic cage meant to keep my knee still. he asked my music preference- and we decided on country as he fitted the headphones over my ears (OK, a tiny but of panic here.. I know the MRI machine is a giant magnet, and you cannot have any metal on your body or in the room during the test, so my mind starts trying to figure out how they made these headphones out of materials that would not shoot into the machine and cut me to bits as I laid there with my leg buckled in.. I'm a bit dramatic, and a lot morbid when it comes to ways I could die.. fire is a big one, has been for years, since I was little. I used to have a lunchbox under the edge of my bed with a t-shirt and a pair of shorts in case my house caught fire in the night, so I could jump out the windows and not have to stand in the yard in my PJ's while my house burned down.) He asked me if I was comfortable, and I was, so off he trotted into his little booth of machinery and monitors calling out jovially, "Just give me about 35 minutes, and remember, don't move!" And that was the moment I realized my right hip was in a wonky position, and I was going to need to shift a little to get into a position that I could hold for 35 minutes. But it was too late.. and I was STUCK. (Let's add a little more panic to the mix) 
The music starts, and so does the banging of the machine. If you've ever had an MRI, you know they are NOISY. If you haven't, imagine being inside a metal drum or pipe while someone bangs on it with a rubber mallet. The music and the earphones serve to dull the noise to a tolerable level, and I tried to let myself become mesmerized by the rhythm of the pings and bangs. Let's take a trip into my head, and listen in to my self-talk:

"Oh, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be.. I was expecting an hour.. so 35 minutes should definitely be manageable. I haven't heard this song before.. I kinda like it.. too bad I can't Shazam this one. Remember the chorus.. remember the chorus... Google it later.... How long is a song usually?
5 minutes? So 7 songs and I'm done.. I can do 7 songs... Wait` what's that??"

At this point, the ping ping band rhythm changes:

"Alright! Phase one done.. can't be much longer now.. my right hip is really starting to ache... are my toes numb? I can wiggle my toes, surely.. they arn't imaging my toes.. {wiggling right toes ever so slightly} OK, good, toes are still OK, and I can wiggle a little, so that will help me keep everything else still...."

Another change in tones:

"How much longer? How many songs has it been? Awe crap, I lost count. They need a clock in here.. damn, my hip is killing me.. my right butt cheek is asleep.. I need to move.  Just be still.. don't move.. keep breathing.. oh my God!!! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.. I can't do this.. I'm going to have to make them stop, and we are going to have to reschedule. I NEED A XANAX... oh, my HIP!!! Good God, why did I say I was comfortable? I NEED TO MOVE... How many more pings and bangs.. count the pings and bangs... AGHHHHHHH!!!"

This went on for 35 minutes.. I was sure I was going to die, but I made it, and the tech said it was the best knee MRI he had ever done.  
I saw the doctor 3 days later, and got some good news- no need for surgery. Everything in the joint itself looked good, apart from degeneration of the joint (wear and tear) and some bone spurs on the knee cap. So we came up with a new plan- Physical therapy to strengthen the muscles supporting the knee, and continued weight loss.  PT would be in the water, we have a facility locally that has an underwater treadmill, and that would prevent further damage to the knee by taking weight off of the joint. 

So, I've been doing PT twice a week for the last 6 weeks, and going to the gym in-between. I've also made some pretty major lifestyle changes, but we'll get to that in my next post. I'm headed back to work in a week, and looking forward to it. 
 

Baby steps...

I did four pushups! Four! I know, I know, that doesn't sound all that impressive.. until you consider that I didn't think I was even going to be able to do ONE! I met my trainer, Dee, at the gym yesterday for a fitness assessment, measurements, and to review the workout plan that she had set up for me. It actually felt good to break a sweat, and I'm looking forward to getting in a rhythm with this whole work out thing. This morning I'm going to head over to one of the other gym locations to check out some of their classes and maybe catch some laps in the pool.

My MRI is scheduled for this afternoon, and I'm anxious to find out what the plans are for repairing my knee. Fingers crossed that all goes well!

"Not all who wander are lost" J R R Tolken

I thought maybe I would delete the blog... I mean, it's been over a year since my last post, I am OBVIOUSLY NOT a blogger.. but reading over the last post, and looking at previous post on other failed attempts at a blog, I just couldn't. It would be like deleting a part of myself, a part of my inner monologue. I just couldn't do it.

SO, here we are, still searching. So very much has changed since my last post in October of 2012.  Firstly, my Daddy, whom I spoke about previously, died about two months after my last post. As it turns out, that tightrope I felt that we were walking was not a tightrope at all... it was a slowly descending staircase. What Dad's doctor had been trying to tell me that night, so many months ago, was that my Daddy was dying. His liver was failing, his kidneys were beyond repair, and we had a few more months to try and enjoy life together. He came home at the end of October on Hospice, and passed away at home on December 2nd. I think I have been blaming myself. As a nurse I felt like I should have listened to him when he told me the pain in his foot had become more severe. I should have listened when he told me he could no longer point his toes. Had we caught the bone infection earlier, maybe things would have been different. But, we made a pact, my Mama and Daddy and I, to live without regret. The "what-ifs" only poison us slowly. Past is past, and nothing changes that. But I still carried that blame inside me for the last year. And now, I'm ready to let it go.

Secondly, my job situation has done a 180, then another 180, and now I feel like it's in a perpetual holding pattern of uncertainty. An opportunity came up, for me to take a position as float nurse for the urgent care clinic where I work. I would be based in a different clinic from where I had been working, helping out at our busiest location as a "fourth nurse", and float to the other clinics to cover vacations and sick days for our other staff. I was excited about the prospect, the chance for everyday to be fresh again. For a few weeks, things looked great. Then misunderstandings and misperceptions, and bias and backstabbing set in, and I found myself dreading to go to work everyday. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, always wondering when the next shoe was going to drop. yesterday, it did.

I have extensive damage to my left knee, a common injury among patients with a gymnastics history according to my orthopedic doctor. To prevent surgery, my doctor prescribed a custom fit knee brace to provide artificial support and reduce pain in my knee. My company's policy is that nurses cannot work in direct patient care while wearing a brace or support. after a trip back to my orthopedic, a note to my employer about the nature of my injury, and many tears of frustration later, I am home for the next several weeks, possibly months, pending surgery that my orthopedic doctor is advising against, so that I can return to work. I almost feel as if someone has pushed the reset button on my life. And I don't know what's ahead of me. And right now, that is more scary than exciting. So I invite you to come along with me on this new journey. Let's see where this takes me.