So, how did I get here? Who is that woman I see staring at me from the mirror? Before I start to answer these questions, as much for myself as for you-let me state now that I am in NO WAY making excuses for my weight gain, and for my subsequent poor condition. I know that the things I have done (or not done, as the case may be) and the choices I have made have lead me to where I am today. But this acceptance of my circumstance does not recuse me from looking for the reason I am where I am today. Unless I can be 100% honest with myself about the paths that have lead me to my current state, then I am doomed to fail at my goal.
I have read articles and heard both men and women who are anorexic talk about how they have an altered sense of body image.. how they look into the mirror, and see themselves as overweight, even though they are skin and bones. I can identify with this in a way.. You see, when I close my eyes and picture myself in my mind, I see my 150# high school self. I see who I was then, not the 306# woman I am today. So standing in front of a mirror, or a window, or seeing a photograph of myself can be somewhat shocking to my "inner self". I have walked past a mirror or window and actually done a double-take, staring at my plump face and double chin in a moment of disbelief. I try to avoid trying on new clothes at all costs, because I know the Christine in the mirror is not going to look like the Christine in my head. I'm not going to like how I look in anything I try on. It takes me forever to get dressed to go anywhere for the same reason. I can't count the number of time I have cancelled plans at the last minute simply because I can't find anything to wear, anything that makes me feel pretty, anything that doesn't make me feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "My God, how does someone let themselves get THAT FAT?" And I am ashamed of being ashamed of how I look...
But, it's not just what I put in my mouth, or how little exercise I get that got me here today. I come from a line of over-weight women. Our branch of the family tree is definately a little thicker than the other branches. I have a family history of obesity, Diabetes, heart disease, celiac disease, and liver disease. I have several medical conditions myself; sleep apnea, fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, chronic knee and ankle pain.. and every single one of these would be alleviated or cured by weight loss. Well, then why, you might ask, have I not done something about my weight before now? I have tried.. I have dieted, and exercised, and taken pills, and excluded things from my normal diet, and read this book, or that article, and I'm a NURSE for God's sake! I KNOW better. Well, knowing, and doing, are two different things entirely. There are psychological factors as well.. some of which I will explore on this blog.. and some of which I will explore alone. (Sorry, there are just some things you don't air-out for all the neighbors to see!)
But all in all, the fact is, I am fat, and I am tired of it. I am tired of feeling worn out and defeated. And so I am searching for ME, and for the way to get to ME- for the best and most healthy way to release ME from this fat suit I am trapped in.
